2 Sides to Every Story

I have never really believed the aphorism that there are ‘2 sides to every story’. This is mainly because there is the ‘story’, which is just the facts or the event, and the ‘sides’, which are really only different perspectives while attempting to incorporate mitigating connections. Jeffrey Dahmer, for example, killed seventeen men and boys over a 13 year period. If we accepted the concept that there are two sides of equal merit, we would have to give more consideration to his schizotypal personality disorder which made the killings necessary from his perspective. That’s a bit of an extreme example I know, but one where the story (facts) are well-known and most agree that his 15 terms of life-imprisonment were just.

It gets blurry when it’s not an extreme example.

We’ve all know couples who break-up. Friendships that are shattered. Neighbors that feud over a car parked on the street. The story is usually the same–something is promised that isn’t delivered. Trust is crushed. Someone acts dismissively. As spectators we are often asked to choose sides based on what are really mitigating connections.

I hadn’t realized until the 23andMe report that I still needed and wanted all those tentacles of “yes but”. Yes, it is true the father I thought was my father is not in fact my biological father. And yes, it’s true that a man whose name I didn’t know, never knew existed, is the source of one half of my DNA. Yes, that is true BUT…..!There have to be reasons.

When Christine called at 3 pm, I was still hoping maybe the results could be explained or at least I could get an easy answer. But we know that truth often comes at a hard, hard price. Christine had contacted me through 23andMe twice, once in 2016 and once in 2018 but I had discounted the notifications that just said, “We have identified a new relative” so she had nine years to process what the DNA analysis probably meant. She didn’t have access to my pages so she didn’t know the full scope of my connections.

Our initial conversation was tentative, respectful, and kind. She did most of the talking and questioning because, surprise to most people who know me, I was having trouble taking in all the information. Christine explained that she and her mother had discussed this many times in the past 5 or 6 years– how we could be related to her father with such a strong DNA match and that there were only 2 possibilities.

Her grandparents, Paul and Pearl Carey had moved from North Carolina, poor farming backgrounds with rum running side hustles, and settled in Baltimore where they had 5 children: Ruth, Shirley, Jean, Gordon and Anthony. She asked if I had any DNA matches on my mother’s side, and I said yes I did. My sister’s daughter, my niece, was listed as my 1st cousin because my sister was now my genetic half-sister.

“Well, that eliminates one possibility and leaves only one. We had speculated that one of my dad’s sisters had a baby without being married and gave it up for adoption. That wasn’t unusual then but since you have a match on your mother’s side that eliminates that scenario and leaves the most obvious. My dad was only in his mid teens when you were born but his brother Gordon was in his 20s. My uncle was very attractive, very charismatic, charming, funny, and quite the ladies man by all accounts. The only way this fits is that Gordon is your father.”

I just saw a commercial on TV about when it is appropriate to use SLO-MO in an action scene. I didn’t get to chose this, it just happened. I had been taking notes while Christine talked and I had listed all the children and was drawing a circle around Gordon’s name over and over until the pen went through the paper to the next page.

“Does this sound possible to you?”

Does this sound possible to me?

My mother, who grew up in a poor farming community, who married young and had one young child and moved with her husband, who was in the Navy, to a big northern city. A city that offered a completely different social life with no one watching or reporting to the Southern Baptist Church that alcohol was being consumed. My mother, who was more on the beautiful vixen scale than any of the women I saw on calendars in those days. Was it possible she had met what could have been her male counterpart and the result of all of that was me?

“Yes”, I said, “That sounds very possible”.

“Let me tell you about the Careys, so we can figure this out. Paul owned a car dealership in Essex and later a carry-out package good stores. Pearl worked for a bit at Martins when she wasn’t working at home taking care of five kids.” She went through each child but my pen wasn’t writing much that I could read until she got to Gordon.

“Gordon was married twice. He had a son with his first wife, but they have been estranged for many years. So…you have a half-brother. He married a second time and his wife had two girls that Gordon later adopted. I’m sorry to say… Gordon died in 2015 and is buried in Arlington as a military hero.”

Christine paused. I paused. No pen. No words.

“I’m going to send you his obituary because I think it will tell you more about his life and we can talk again after you read it”.

Obituary

LTC Gordon T. Carey USA Retired

March 20, 1933 – February 12, 2015

LTC Gordon Thomas Carey, USA (Ret.), age 81, passed away on February 12, 2015 in Austin Texas. A true patriot and admired leader, he embodied the best of the Greatest Generation. He will be deeply missed as a loving and devoted husband, father, grandfather, and brother, and remembered fondly as a respected army officer, businessman, and friend. His great sense of humor and engaging personality drew people around him wherever he went.

Born on a family farm in Nash County, NC on March 20.1933, he was the son of the late Paul Theodore Carey and Pearl Elizabeth Davis. He graduated from Kenwood High School in Baltimore County, Maryland. Gordon attended the University of Maryland and graduated from the University of Nebraska. Gordon’s interest in service to his country began at a young age. He served as the Cadet Captain of the Civil Air Patrol and later joined the Air National Guard. He entered the army in 1952.

Gordon retired, after more than 20 years of service as a Lieutenant Colonel. His final assignment was in the US Army Research and Development, Special Projects Group, in Washington DC. Trained as a multi-engine and helicopter pilot, he logged approximately 3400 hours flight time and over 800 hours of combat flight time. As a veteran of the Korean Was and Vietnam Was (3 tours) in the Army Air Cavalry he received several commendation awards and medals, including the highest achieved Silver Star for gallantry in action in the Republic of Vietnam on 07 May 1970.

Gordon served as a Commanding Officer of the Company “A” 2nd Battalion, 66th Armor, 4th Armored Division in Germany; the 71st Assault Helicopter Co. in Vietnam, and the 3rd Squadron, 17th Air Cavalry in Vietnam.

Subsequent to service, Gordon spent over 30 years in real estate management in the Washington DC metro area; San Francisco Valley, California; and Las Vegas, NV.

He is survived by his wife of 27 years, Crete Carey; daughters Holly Helms (Ryan)–Austin, TX, and Lauren Landis (Benjamin)–Boston, MA; son, Mark Carey (Cindy)–Wake Forest, NC; sisters, Ruth Swanstrom (Bill) and Shirley Burdeaux–MD; brother, Tony Carey–Myrtle Beach SC; and grandchildren, Luke Helms–Austin, TX; Brian Carey–Seattle, WA, and Shannon Carey–Wake Forest, NC. Gordon was predeceased by sister, Jean Johnston–Chambersburg, PA.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to St. Luke’s on the Lake Episcopal Church, 5600 Ranch Road 620 North, Austin TX 78732 or Azalea Charities (wounded warriors) PO Box 579, Dumfries, Va. 22026.

And just like that, I realized there were 4 sides to every story.